Local Man Worried by Drought

(c)2011 by Laurie Kay Olson

Well, I can tell you, I ain’t the only one! This is a crisis of epic proportions! I kin tell you, the town council really screwed up when they didn’t even consider puttin’ in the pipeline That was proposed. And here we are, completely dry!

Okay, okay, okay. Maybe I’m over-reactin’ a bit, an’ maybe a beer pipeline IS a little impractical. But one lousy truckers’ strike an’ we’re sittin’ high an’ dry. I was thinkin’ o’ sendin’ Bubba on a run to St. Louis in the truck, but I wasn’t entirely sure that it would all make it back here.

Elmo’s Bar an’ Grill is all but abandoned these days an’ the weekly poker game over to the Legion Hall has been called off. I even heard the Emory has been spotted wand’rin’ around town sober!

Now ol’ Doug Miller does have some bottles o’ home brew stored up, but not near enough to lubricate all o’ the beer drinkers in town. An’ I understand that there is still a fair supply of the hard stuff on hand.

But BEER!

How could we have been so blind as to not have been prepared! I found out a few nights ago that Erma Rose had been keepin’ back a six o’ the cheap stuff for the garden. But that’s gone now. How am I supposed to eat pretzels now? Or peanuts. There’s a reason they call ‘em Beer Nuts!

Erma Rose says it won’t hurt me none to be on the wagon for awhile, but I ain’t so sure. I can’t watch football. I can’t watch basketball. I can’t pretend to watch golf. I tell ya, the end of the world has come. It’s a big ol’ right wing conspiracy. First they take away your beer an’ then they think that they can do anything they want with you. But I’ll show them. I’ll show them. I’ll switch from beer to that British lager stuff.

What do you mean, that’s what they call beer in England? It can’t be. I heard that it’s something they drink warm. Warm beer? That’s insane!

That tears it. I’m sendin’ Bubba north. He’s a good boy. He’ll save us. So what if a six or two disappear along the way? It’ll leave the rest for us. Yes, I’ll be able to sleep again now. An’ maybe my hands’ll stop shakin’ too.