Well, it all started back in November jist afore Thanksgivin’
Ol’ Mabel Shively, the mayor’s wife, started naggin’ on me
To be one o’ Santa’s elves in the ChristmasParade this year.
I know how she can git if she don’t get her way.
I figured I might as well give in up front an’ enjoy the festivities
Rather than havin’ her givin’ me grief at ev’ry turn this Christmas.
At the veru first meetin’ my boy Bubbais complainin’ about elves
An’how they ain’t cool, so he suggested that we all wear sunglasses
Since the stockin’ caps and pointy shooes thing had been done to death.
Mabel didn’t like that idea one bit, so naturally all the elves
Just up an’ took right to it, even Santa said he’d do it.
Seein’ as he was head elf an all up to the North Pole.
Bubba managed to smooth it all over with Mabel by explainin’
That since we didn’t have no snow Santa an’ the gang
Would need some protection from that good ol’ Arkansas sunshine.
So the Saturday afore Christmas we loaded Santa into an ol’ buggy
That was bein’ drawn by a horse that Mabel’d made a set of antlers for.
I don’t think that poor ol’ nag liked them things wavin’ around
I don’t think he liked havin’ a red rubber ball tied to his snout neither.
As if anyone would mistake him for Rudolph by any stretch.
Eny-who, all the kids in the county lined up from the drugstore
All the way down to the bandshell at Foxworth Memorial Park
Waiting for Santa to make the four block trip to see ‘em.
Personally, I think Santa would’ve been a heap more convincin’
If he hadn’t insisted on wearin’ his badge on his red velour suit.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he had his gun strapped on underneath too.
Well, we started off with the Pea Pod Junction Junior/Senior High band
Leadin’ the way playin’ Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town so well
That you could almost make out what they was actually playin’
All us elves walked along side Santa an’ his makeshift reindeer,
Handin’ out candy on all sides an’ yellin’ Merry Christmas to one an’ all
While ol’ Rudolph was gittin’ all het up about that ball on his snout
He started to shake them foam rubber antlers somethin’ fierce
The parade route was short, but it was two blocks too long for that ol’ nag.
All of a sudden he reared up an’ tried to get away from those antlers
I barely turned around in time to see that strange creature conin’ at me.
With Harlan, I mean Santa, holdin’ on for dear life, white beard in his eyes.
Next thing I knowed I was spread-eagle on the pavement.
When first the horse an’ then the buggy went right over me.
I woulda been just fine with a couple o’ cracked ribs
An’ a big ol’ horse-shoe shaped bruise on my backside
But that was when Santa fell outta the buggy right onto me
An’ busted my left arm in a couple o’ places
It may sound kinda bad, but at least this Christmas
I won’t have to spend the whole day bastin’ the turkey
An’ worryin’ about whether my Jello mold has set or not.
No siree, Earl’s promised to take care o’ dinner this year.
Though my guess is he’ll just go shoppin’ down to the Piggly-Wiggly
An’ get turkey Tee-Vee dinners to throw in the oven at half-time.
If I made the dinner that way he’d probably complain clean through to Easter.
I’m thinkin’ Mother’s Day.