(c) 2007 by Laurie Kay Olson
Well, just about everyone ‘round these parts
Knows how our ol’ cow Bessie can be.
She’s had the wanderlust ever since she was a calf.
An’ her momma took her off to see the Wilfey’s tree farm
That one Christmas years an’ years ago.
Eny-who, she went missing on one o’ her weekly jaunts
AN’ I followed her trail out back o’ the hay barn,
‘Round the back forty, and acrost Idjit Creek.
It was an easy to trail her, mind you,
Since her bowels were loosened up by
The free sample of Ex-Lax she are when she
Stopped by the drugstore earlier this week.
She had gone through the woods down where all
The teenagers go to watch submarine races
Least ways that’s what Earl an’ me used it for way back
When we were young an’ sufferin’ in love an’ such.
Boy if that ol’ Ford pick-up truck could talk.
Eny-who, after I cared several kids outta a year’s growth
As I tried to sneak past their cars, but forgot meself
An’ gave Bessie an extra loud holler to come home.
I ended up comin’ out behind ol’ Doug Miller’s place
In the clearin’ where he has his still goin’ night an’ day.
It was there that I saw ol’ Bessie standin’ with her back to me,
Swayin’ back an’ forth, an’ I’d swear she was hummin’ to herself.
But maybe that was just the sound of the still.
It smelled like ol’ Doug was makin’ up a big batch
O’ his special butterscotch scotch.
That’s the stuff that’ll get you drunk an’ give you
A sugar high all at the same time, not to mention the hangover from both.
Ol’ Bessie turned ‘round an’ give out a big ol’ snort right in my face.
The fumes coulda peeled pain, if there’d been any paint to peel.
She’d been chewin’ on the leftover fermented grain
An’ was drunker ‘n’ a skunk eatin’ stink berries in the fall.
I eased a halter over her head as she tried to kiss me.
Least ways she was a happy drunk.
With a large measure o’ pullin’ , pleadin’ an’ cajolin’
I managed to git her out onto County Road 8 ¼
With her headed toward home swingin’ and a swayin’
Then ol’ Harlan Tucker in his patrol car come by at the wrong time
An’ nearly hit head on when he zigged an’ ol’ Bessie zagged.
He musta already been in a het up mood, ‘cause he arrested me
Right on the spot for drunk drivin’ an’ took me in.
He aint’ get a leg to stand on though.
Once we talked to the judge he pointed out that the law
Specifically states the drivin’ of a vehicle, not farm animals, while impaired.
The judge looked at Sheriff Tuttle over his glasses an’ suggest
That he try arrestin’ the cow for public intoxication an’ see how that went.
That is if he didn’t mind bein’ a bigger fool than he’d already made o’ himself.