Erma Rose Parker Recovering from Minor Injuries
(© 2000 by Laurie Kay Olson)
Well, it all started when my Earl decided to get some things done around the house.
You could have knocked me over with a pin feather when he actually started.
He’s always Johnny-on-the-spot when it comes to the farm chores,
But when it comes to things that need doin’ around the house
It’s like he keeps a-hopin’ that if he ignores it long enough it will fix itself.
Eny-who, he gets around to workin’ on the back door –
The one that’s been stickin’ for the last two years.
Ever since my boy Bubba let the bathtub upstairs overflow
Whilst he was a-tryin’ to teach the cat to swim.
You never seen a critter angrier or sadder lookin’ in your life.
Who knew that a good two-thirds of a cat is dry fur?
The poor thing hid out in the barn for two weeks
‘Til he was sure Bubba wasn’t goin’ to try it agin.
Ever since the door got soaked it had been givin’ us grief at ev’ry turn.
Eny-who, Earl takes the door offa it’s hinges and set it up on his ol’ saw horses
On the lawn not far from where I was pullin’ dandy-lions outta the side garden.
It was real pleasant for awhile, ‘cept for the fact
That Earl was swearin’ now and agin when things was goin’ slow.
He was workin’ away planin’ down the bottom o’ the door all careful like,
When all of a sudden he hit a tough bit and went at it extra hard with the elbow grease
An’ that plane took off outta his hands like it had a couple o’ jet engines on fire.
Afore I could duck that thing came flyin’ across and hit me square in the head.
I let out one whale of a yell as that thing bounced offa my skull
An’ crashed into those ol’ pink flamingos that Earl insists on keepin’.
He thinks they make the lawn look dressy, poor addled man.
Sometimes I need to take him to get his eyes checked.
Those things could only dress up our lawn if we lived down to the trailer park
With one o’ those yards where they cain’t grow nuthin’ but rocks, an’ even then. . .
My language even made ol’ Earl, a real ol’ cuss, start a-blushin’.
Either that or he was terrified that he had gone and kilt me off before I made dinner.
There was little bits of pink plastic bird all over the yard an’ just those skinny legs stickin’ up.
I felt like both my eyes had gone an’ got stuck together in the same socket.
Earl got me up into the truck an’ took me over to see Doc Hanson,
Apologizing up one side an’ down the t’other all the way.
Doc checked me over an’ said I wasn’t much worse for the wear
Though I’d probably have a crease in my forehead for a couple o’ weeks.
He wrote me out two prescriptions then. One for the pain and the t’other for a proper handyman.
One good thing sure did come outta this. Those flamingoes are dead an’ gone for good.
Now maybe we can get somethin’ really classy to put in there –
Like a couple o’ those big see-ment frogs they have over to the garden center in El Dorado.