Monday, November 14, 2011

Local Woman Abducted

© 1998 by Laurie Kay Olson

I first saw it up yonder, in the back pasture it was,
Where ol’ Bessie likes to go to chew her cud an’ think.
I’d gone up to fetch her back to the cow barn,
An’ all of a sudden there was these bright lights.
They come up over ol’ Doug Miller’s place down the road,
But way back towards the creek, you know, where he keeps his still.
You could tell he’d been up to making a batch o’ his usual shine
‘Cause all the trees was leanin’ away from the clearing
Like they was tryin’ to catch a breath o’ fresh air.
Eny-who, I didn’t know what they hell them lights were.
At first I thought maybe some ATeeF agents with flashlights,
Or maybe ol’ Doug had gone an’ blowed up the still again.
But it kept a-movin’ across the sky, all slow an’ silent an’ all –
Like ol’ Mabel Shively after she’s been to the all-you-can-eat buf-fett
Over to the new shoppin’ mall. You know. The one next to the Piggly-Wiggly.
Well. I plum forgot all about Bessie an’ just stared I’m tellin’ you.
That thing was bigger ‘n’ life itself an’ twice as shiny.
Then it shot this big ol’ light out all over me –
Just like I was some Hollywood movie star sashaying my backside up a red carpet.
Then that light somehow nipped my right up inside that big ol’ You-Fo
Just as slick as a whistle at a dog callin’ contest.
Next thing I knowed I’m lyin’ flat out on this table
That was colder than Neptune’s nether bits
An’ these li’l fellas with big ol’ eyes just a pokin’ an’ a prodin’ me
Like I was the prize pig over to the county fair an’ they was the judges.
They was talkin’ some language that sounded more furrin’
Than them dang’fool Eye-raki’s on the tv news last night.
Don’t think I didn’t just up an’ give them a piece o’ my mind –
Takin’ me so sudden an’ all. It was like to give a body a heart attack.
It must’ve worked ‘cause all of a sudden I was back in the pasture
Lyin’ there lookin’ up at the sky like I didn’t have a thing to do in this world
With ol’ Bessie starin’ down at me an’ chewin’ on her cud.
It was the strangest thing that ever happened ‘round these parts.
‘Lessen you count the time that Camilla Marie Boyd  over to Taylor Holler
Found a tater in her garden in the shape o’ Mr. Conway Twitty.
After what I’ve been through I can tell you one thing I’ve learned –
You just never know what might be hidin’ in the back pasture these days.

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